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Thread: Official Joke of the Day Thread

  1. #461
    Senior Member Swamp Fox's Avatar
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    An old guy in a nursing home was wandering around the facility when he noticed his across-the-hall neighbor, Mrs. McGillicuddy, sitting in the lounge. He thought he'd shuffle up to her and ask if she could guess how old he was, just to have a little fun.

    She replied, "Drop your pants and let me see."

    So he did, and she took a good, long look and announced, "You're 88 years old!"

    "Why, yes I am," the old man said. "That's amazing! How could you tell?"

    "Well," she said, "you told me this morning at breakfast."

  2. #462
    Senior Member Swamp Fox's Avatar
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    Two old couples are having dinner together one evening, and afterwards the ladies retire to the kitchen and leave their husbands to chat at the table. One of the men says, “Last night, we went out to a great new restaurant.”

    “What’s it called?” his friend asks.

    The first man furrows his brow in concentration for a few moments and finally says, “Ah! What's the name of that red flower you give to someone you love?”

    His friend replies, “A carnation?”

    “No, no. The other one,” the first man says.

    “A poppy?” wonders his friend.

    “No,” growls the first man. “You know, the one with thorns!”

    “Do you mean a rose?”

    “Yes, that’s it!” the first man says. He then turns toward the kitchen and yells, “Rose, what’s the name of that restaurant we went to last night?”

  3. #463
    Senior Member bluecat's Avatar
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    Paddy & Mick, two retired old geezers, flew to Canada for an adventure. They chartered a small plane to take them into the Rockies for a week of hunting moose. They managed to bag a total of 6. Loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could take only 4 moose. The two old timers objected strongly. "Last year we shot 6. The pilot let us take them all, and he had exactly the same plane as yours." Reluctantly the pilot gave in and all 6 were loaded. The plane took off. However while attempting to cross some mountains, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down. Miraculously, surrounded by moose bodies, Paddy and Mick survived the crash. Climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick," Any idea where we are?" Mick replied, " I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."
    I write English not so well, but this thin string for sewing or fabric-making my funny wheel getickles. Baron von Schtupp

  4. #464
    Senior Member Swamp Fox's Avatar
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    What do you get when you cross an Irish joke with a hunting joke?








    A seven-course meal, but no meat.


  5. #465
    Senior Member Swamp Fox's Avatar
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    Or maybe it should be "plus meat" in this particular case...


    I don't know...I'm still working it out...


    LOL

  6. #466
    two hunters are in the woods, when one of them collaspes..he's not breathing and his eyes are glazed. the other guy whips out his phone and calls 911.he gasp.. "my friends dead!! what can i do?"
    the operator says, "calm down i can help. first lets make sure youre friend is dead." there is silence, then a shot is heard.. back on the phone, the guys says " ok now what."

  7. #467
    Senior Member Swamp Fox's Avatar
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    LOL...

  8. #468
    Senior Member Swamp Fox's Avatar
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    The CIA is interviewing three potential agents — two men and a woman. For the final test, they bring one of the male candidates to a door and hand him a gun. “We must know that you will follow instructions, no matter what,” says the interviewer. “Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her.”

    “You can’t be serious,” the man says. “I could never shoot my wife.”

    “Then you’re not the right man for the job,” says the interviewer, and dismisses him.

    The second man is given the same instructions with his wife. Five minutes later, he emerges from the room with tears in his eyes and says, “I can’t.”

    So he's gone.

    Finally, the woman is given the test, but with her husband. She takes the gun and enters the room. There's screaming, several shots ring out, then more screaming and tremendous crashing and banging.

    After a few minutes, she comes out, wiping the sweat from her brow and breathing heavily. “You didn’t tell me the gun was loaded with blanks,” she says, gulping for air. “I had to beat him to death with the chair.”

  9. #469
    Senior Member bluecat's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Swamp Fox View Post
    What do you get when you cross an Irish joke with a hunting joke?
    A seven-course meal, but no meat.



    Don't forget the "old" theme. I got a comedy tri-fecta.

    Triple word score. I got it all.
    I write English not so well, but this thin string for sewing or fabric-making my funny wheel getickles. Baron von Schtupp

  10. #470
    Senior Member Swamp Fox's Avatar
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    Touche...Good catch, LOL.

    Three points, then?


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