Walking home after a girls’ night out, two women pass a graveyard and stop to pee.
The first woman has nothing to wipe with, so she uses her underwear and tosses it behind a tree. Her friend, however, finds a ribbon on a wreath, so she uses that.
The next day, the first woman’s husband phones the second woman’s husband, furious: “My wife came home last night without her panties!”
“That’s nothing!” exclaims the other guy. “Mine came back with a card stuck between her butt cheeks that said, 'From all of us at the fire station, we’ll never forget you.'”
A man owned a small ranch in Montana. The Montana Work Force Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him.
"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent.
"Well," replied the farmer, "there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years.. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board.
"The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $150 per week plus free room and board.
"Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally."
"That's the guy I want to talk to ... the half-wit," says the agent.
"That would be me," replied the Rancher
A pirate and his parrot are adrift in a dinghy for days after a battle destroyed their ship. All there is to do is examine the small sack of booty they salvaged before she went down.
After about a week afloat, the pirate starts wishing one piece were a magic lamp, and takes to rubbing it. Lo and behold, a genie appears!
This particular genie, though, says she can deliver only one wish, not the standard three.
Without giving it much thought, the pirate blurts out, “Make the entire ocean into rum!”
The genie claps her hands and the entire sea turns into delicious pirate juice.
The parrot cocks his head, looks at the ocean, looks hard at the pirate, and squawks, "Aye, nice going, genius! Now we have to pee in the boat!"
Those are some good ones.
Down in Kentucky, you don't see too many people hang-gliding. Bubba decided to save up and get a hang-glider. He takes it to the highest mountain, and after struggling to the top, he gets ready to take flight. He takes off running and reaches the edge------- into the wind he goes!
Meanwhile, Maw and Paw Hicks were sittin' on the porch swing talkin bout the good ol days when maw spots the biggest bird she ever seen! "Look at the size of that bird, Paw!" she exclaims.
Paw raises up," Git my gun, Maw."
She runs into the house, brings out his pump shotgun. He takes careful aim. BANG...BANG.....BANG.. ...BANG! The monster size bird continues to sail silently over the tree tops.
"I think ya missed him, Paw," she says.
"Yeah," he replies, "but at least he let go of Bubba!"
A new teacher was trying to make use of all the psychological tricks she learned in Ed school, when she got assigned to Little Johnny's class.
On her first day, she started class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!"
After a long pause, with the children looking around at each other in embarrassed silence, Little Johnny finally stood up.
The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"
"No ma'am," replied Little Johnny. "But I sure hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"