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Thread: Official Joke of the Day Thread

  1. #571
    Senior Member Swamp Fox's Avatar
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    "Pork belly" is really "side meat" in case that's part of the confusion.

  2. #572
    Senior Member bluecat's Avatar
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    Thank you, that makes sense now.
    I believe in unicorns.

  3. #573
    Senior Member Swamp Fox's Avatar
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    There was a midget down in Texas whose testicles hurt almost all the time. So he went to the doctor and told him about his problem.

    The doctor got him to stand up on the examining table, told him to drop his pants, and started to look him over. The doc put one finger under his left testicle and told the midget to turn his head and cough, the usual method to check for a hernia.

    "Aha!" mumbled the doc and, as he put his finger under the right testicle, he asked the midget to cough again.

    "Aha!" said the doctor again, and reached for his surgical scissors. Snip-snip-snip-snip on the right side, then snip-snip-snip-snip on the left side. The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with amazement that the snipping did not hurt. The doctor then told him to walk around the examining room to see if his testicles still bothered him.

    The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around and discovered his testicles were no longer aching.

    The doctor said, "How does that feel now?"

    "Perfect Doc, and I didn't even feel it. What did you do?"

    The doctor replied, "I cut two inches off the top of your cowboy boots."

  4. #574
    Senior Member bluecat's Avatar
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    I generally just tuck them into my socks.
    I believe in unicorns.

  5. #575
    Senior Member DParker's Avatar
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    That reminds me, I need to stop at Home Depot on the way home and find a good replacement for my worn out wheelbarrow.
    Don't go ninja-in' nobody don't need ninja-in'.
    - Diemon Dave

  6. #576
    Senior Member bluecat's Avatar
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    Make sure you get one with two wheels up front. Been there done that.
    I believe in unicorns.

  7. #577
    Senior Member Swamp Fox's Avatar
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    "Hey, my eyes are up here."


    :insert Debating Whether To Embed South Park Videos emoticon here:





  8. #578
    Senior Member Swamp Fox's Avatar
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    Sam has been self-employed for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He winds up his business and buys 50 acres in Montana as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.

    After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there's a big, bearded man standing there.

    "Name's Lars ...Your neighbor from forty miles away....Having a birthday party Friday ... Thought you might like to come. About seven..."

    "Great," says Sam. "After six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."

    As Lars is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you...There's gonna be some drinkin'."

    "Not a problem... after 25 years in business, I can drink with the best of 'em."

    Again, Lars starts to leave, but stops. "More'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too."

    Sam says, "Well, I get along with people, but I can hold my own. I'll be there. Thanks again."

    Once again Lars turns from the door. "I've seen some wild sex at these parties, too."

    "Now that's REALLY not a problem," says Sam. "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I bring?"

    Lars stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you want. Just gonna be the two of us."

  9. #579
    Senior Member bluecat's Avatar
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    I believe in unicorns.

  10. #580
    Senior Member bluecat's Avatar
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    You know you are in a Texas church when

    People grumble about Noah letting coyotes on the ark.

    The preacher says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering" and five guys stand up.

    The restrooms are outside.

    Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.

    A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of."

    When it rains, everyone is smiling.

    Prayers regarding the weather are standard practice.

    The choir group is known as the "OK Chorale".

    The pastor wears boots.

    Four generations of the same family sit together in worship.

    There is no such thing as a "secret" sin.

    Baptism is referred to as "branding".

    There is a special fund raiser for a new septic tank.

    Finding and returning lost sheep isn't just a parable.

    High notes on the organ can set the dogs to howling.

    People wonder, when Jesus fed 5000 whether the two fish were bass or catfish.

    People think "rapture" is when you lift something too heavy.

    The final words of the benediction are, "Ya'll come back now, ya hear?"
    I believe in unicorns.

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