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Thread: Official Joke of the Day Thread

  1. #601
    Senior Member DParker's Avatar
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    This thread is now Don Draper approved.

    Don't go ninja-in' nobody don't need ninja-in'.
    - Diemon Dave

  2. #602
    Senior Member Swamp Fox's Avatar
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  3. #603
    Senior Member bluecat's Avatar
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    Y'all are a bunch of sexist, woman objectifiers. You can ask my wife but she is naked and vacuuming out my truck right now.
    Man is not free unless government is limited. Ronald Reagan

  4. #604
    Senior Member DParker's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by bluecat View Post
    You can ask my wife but she is naked and vacuuming out my truck right now.
    How did you get your truck into the kitchen?
    Don't go ninja-in' nobody don't need ninja-in'.
    - Diemon Dave

  5. #605
    Senior Member Swamp Fox's Avatar
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    Here's an even worse question:




  6. #606
    "I NO COME WORK TODAY" !!!

    Hung Chow calls into work and says, Hey, boss, I no come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomach-ache and my legs hurt, I no come work.

    The boss says, You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her give me sex. That makes everything better and I go work. You try that.

    Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon........You got nice house!

  7. #607
    As You Slide Down the Banister of Life, Remember:

    *1. Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book. It's called "Ministers Do More Than Lay People."

    *2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.

    *3. The difference between the Pope and your boss...the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.

    *4. My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.

    *5. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.

    *6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood.

    *7. It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.

    *8. A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.

    *9. My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines and a large trash can.

    *10. A blonde said, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off. I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid."

    *11. I'm so depressed. My doctor refused to write me a prescription for Viagra. He said it would be like putting a new flagpole on a condemned building.

    *12. My neighbor was bit by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was and found him writing frantically on a piece of paper. I told him rabies could be treated, and he didn't have to worry about a Will. He said, "Will? What Will? I'm making a list of the people I want to bite."

    *13. Definition of a teenager? God's punishment for enjoying sex.

    *14. As you slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way.

  8. #608
    Senior Member Swamp Fox's Avatar
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    LOL...

  9. #609
    Senior Member DParker's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by The Old Man View Post
    "I NO COME WORK TODAY" !!!

    Hung Chow calls into work and says, Hey, boss, I no come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomach-ache and my legs hurt, I no come work.

    The boss says, You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her give me sex. That makes everything better and I go work. You try that.

    Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon........You got nice house!
    I'm stealing this one!
    Don't go ninja-in' nobody don't need ninja-in'.
    - Diemon Dave

  10. #610
    Senior Member Swamp Fox's Avatar
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    A guy and his wife got a chance to take their dream vacation, a month living in France. They rented an apartment, made some day trips, got to know a lot of the locals and really soaked it all in.

    As their vacation was winding down and they faced the prospect of going home, they decided to throw a big dinner party for all their new-found French friends as a way of saying thank you and farewell.

    The afternoon of the party, they were getting everything ready for their friends to arrive in a few hours, when the wife realized she'd forgotten to buy snails for the evening meal. Unfortunately, it was a Sunday and all the shops were closed. She told her husband that he would have to go out to the woods to gather some, and handed him a plastic bucket.

    Muttering under his breath, the husband started walking down the road 'til he came to a country lane and asked a Frenchman where he might be able to find some snails, and the man pointed him toward the edge of some woods a short distance away.

    Sure enough, the husband began to find snails where he'd been told to look, and as he gathered them, he noticed a beautiful young French woman walking up the lane he'd just come down. Not for the first time during this vacation, he made a mental note of how exotic and sexy the French girls he'd seen seemed to be, and regretted a little the fact that he'd be leaving the country soon and would probably never see another French girl in his life.

    "Oh, well," he thought, and continued his snail hunt, eyes glued to the ground.

    Very shortly, his bucket was nearly full of snails and he turned to hike up to the road and was surprised to find the French girl standing there, watching him. "Bonjour, monsieur!" she said, greeting him with a bright smile. She told him how much she admired him for hunting his own snails, and they struck up a conversation. Before he knew it, they were walking toward town together.

    When they came to her house, she invited him to have a glass of wine with her.

    Well, one thing led to another, especially after she batted her eyelashes at him, giggled and kissed him as they polished off the bottle, and soon things got hot and heavy. The guy couldn't believe his good luck, and afterwards he was so exhausted that he conked out and didn't awaken until early the next morning.

    "Holy...!!!" The guy jumped out of bed with a start and his heart in his throat, yelling, "Oh no!!! My wife's dinner party!!!" He snatched up all his clothes, threw them on as fast as he could, grabbed his bucket full of snails, and ran out the door.

    He ran up the lane, then turned on the afterburners down the road all the way to his apartment. He flew up the stairs in such a hurry that when he got to the top, he tripped and spilled the bucket. There were snails all over the landing and all down the stairs. The door to his apartment opened just then, with his very angry wife standing in the hallway, screaming, demanding to know where he'd been all night and how could he ditch her party. He'd never seen her this mad, and that was saying something.

    His heart was about to beat out of his chest, and he could feel his mouth go dry. He looked at the snails all down the steps, and he looked at her, then back at the snails, and he swallowed hard trying to catch his breath and croaked, "Come on, guys...We're almost there!"

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