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Thread: Official Joke of the Day Thread

  1. #851
    Senior Member bluecat's Avatar
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    Cows: With a New Twist


    DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You vote people into office that put a tax on your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then take the tax money, buy a cow and give it to your neighbor. You feel righteous. Barbara Streisand sings for you.

    REPUBLICAN: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So? ......It's not your fault he didn't stay in school. Never-the-less, ultimately you take pity on your neighbor and see that his children have milk, while you encourage him to accept responsibility for his situation and to work hard to acquire his own cows.

    SOCIALIST: You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor. You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.

    COMMUNIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk. You wait in line for hours to get it. It is expensive and sour.

    CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

    DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.

    BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, and then pours the milk down the drain.

    AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the second one. You force the 2 cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses. Your stock goes up.

    FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows. You go to lunch. Life is good.

    JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains. Most are at the top of their class at cow school.

    GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You reengineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour. Unfortunately, they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.

    ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows but you don't know where they are. While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman. You break for lunch. Life is good.

    RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You have some vodka. You count them and learn you have five cows. You have some more vodka. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka. The Mafia shows up and takes over how ever many cows you really have.

    POLISH CORPORATION: You have two bulls. Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.

    FLORIDA CORPORATION: You have a black cow and a brown cow. Everyone votes for the best looking one. Some of the people who like the brown one best vote for the black one. Some people vote for both. Some people vote for neither. Some people can't figure out how to vote at all. Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which is the best-looking one.

    NEW YORK CORPORATION: You have fifteen million cows. You have to choose which one will be the leader of the herd, so you pick some fat cow from Arkansas.
    I write English not so well, but this thin string for sewing or fabric-making my funny wheel getickles. Baron von Schtupp

  2. #852
    Senior Member Swamp Fox's Avatar
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    LOL...I didn't see that coming.

    This part is extra-good:

    ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows but you don't know where they are. While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman. You break for lunch. Life is good.


  3. #853
    Senior Member bluecat's Avatar
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    A woman was cleaning her attic with her cat by her side for company. Amongst the boxes and old papers she found a little lamp. She picked it up and wiped it off with her apron, when "POOF" out popped Genie. "I will grant you three wishes" proclaimed the Genie.

    The woman thought for a moment and said "I wish I was the most beautiful 20 year old woman in the world, I wish I had more money than I knew what to do with, and I wish you would turn my cat into the most handsome prince around."

    The Genie nodded and after a huge cloud of dust cleared, the Genie was gone and so was the lamp.

    The woman looked at herself and she was certainly beautiful. She was surrounded with scads of money in Large Bills. She flung an armful in the air and watched it flutter down around her. She giggled with delight at the mountains of cash.

    Then she turned to look where her adoring cat once stood. There in the feline's place stood a tall, dark, handsome man with chiseled features, a washboard stomach, broad shoulders, and a soccer-players-tush. She walked over to him, he put his arms around her, brushed his hand upon her cheek, looked deep into her eyes and whispered softly, "Now, aren't you sorry that you had me neutered?"
    I write English not so well, but this thin string for sewing or fabric-making my funny wheel getickles. Baron von Schtupp

  4. #854
    Senior Member Swamp Fox's Avatar
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    LOL...



  5. #855
    Senior Member bluecat's Avatar
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    One day an Irishman, who has been stranded on a desert island for over ten long years, sees an unusual speck on the horizon.

    "It's certainly not a ship," he thinks to himself. As the speck gets closer and closer, he begins to rule out the possibilities of a small boat, then even a raft.

    Suddenly, emerging from the surf comes a drop dead gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.

    She approaches the stunned man and says to him, "Tell me how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"

    "Ten years," replies the Irishman.

    With that, she reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, "Faith and begorah! Is that good!"

    "And how long has it been since you've had a sip of good Irish Whiskey?" she asks him.

    Trembling, the castaway replies, "Ten years."

    She reaches over, unzips her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and hands it to him. He opens the flask, takes a long swig and says, "Tis absolutely fantastic!"

    At this point she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit, looks at the man and asks, "And how long has it been since you've played around?"

    With tears in his eyes, the man falls to his knees and sobs, "Oh, Sweet Jesus! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there too."
    I write English not so well, but this thin string for sewing or fabric-making my funny wheel getickles. Baron von Schtupp

  6. #856
    Senior Member Swamp Fox's Avatar
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    Dennis Rodman finds a bottle on the beach and picks it up. A female genie appears from the bottle as he's wiping sand from it.

    "Master, I will grant you one wish!" says the genie with a smile.

    "Hey, Bitch... Don't you know who I am?... I don't need no woman givin' me nuttin!" barks Rodman.
    .
    The genie pleads: "But Master, I must grant you a wish or I will be returned to the bottle forever."

    Dennis thinks a moment...Then grumbling about the inconvenience of it all, he says, "Ok, I wanna wake up with three women in my bed in the morning, so just do it!" He gives the genie an evil glare. "Now leave me alone!"

    So the genie is annoyed at the rude behavior, but says "So be it!" and disappears back into the bottle.

    Next morning, Rodman wakes up with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding and Hillary Clinton. His penis is gone, his leg is broken, and he has no health insurance....

  7. #857
    Senior Member bluecat's Avatar
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    +3 LOL!

    Think of it this way. It could have been a lot worse. It could have been Nancy Pelosi, Dianne Feinstein and Opra. He would have woken up without a soul, without a brain and owed taxes on a new car.
    I write English not so well, but this thin string for sewing or fabric-making my funny wheel getickles. Baron von Schtupp

  8. #858
    Senior Member Swamp Fox's Avatar
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    I was trying to figure out how he could have all his records missing and his email erased as well, but it seemed a bit much...Also, he narrowly escaped me giving him a hole in the head......I figured he had enough trouble already.

    She's a one-woman walking disaster area...LOL

  9. #859
    Senior Member bluecat's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Swamp Fox View Post
    I was trying to figure out how he could have all his records missing and his email erased as well, but it seemed a bit much...Also, he narrowly escaped me giving him a hole in the head......I figured he had enough trouble already.

    She's a one-woman walking disaster area...LOL
    It was a brilliant joke and we appreciate your efforts.
    I write English not so well, but this thin string for sewing or fabric-making my funny wheel getickles. Baron von Schtupp

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