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Thread: Official Joke of the Day Thread

  1. #841
    Senior Member Swamp Fox's Avatar
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  2. #842
    Senior Member Swamp Fox's Avatar
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    A gorilla escapes from the zoo and after three weeks, the zoo keepers give up looking for him. Some time later, a man calls complaining of a gorilla in a tree in his back yard. The zoo keeper rushes right over. When he arrives, he has a net, a baseball bat, a shotgun, and a Dachshund.

    The man asks what the items are for. The zoo keeper tells him, "I'm gonna climb the tree and hit the gorilla in the head with the baseball bat. When he falls out of the tree, you throw the net over him, and the Dachshund will go straight for his balls."

    The man asks, "But what's the shotgun for?"

    The zoo keeper answers, "If I miss the gorilla with the bat and fall out of the tree, you shoot the Dachshund."

  3. #843
    Senior Member DParker's Avatar
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    Don't go ninja-in' nobody don't need ninja-in'.
    - Diemon Dave

  4. #844
    Senior Member Swamp Fox's Avatar
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    LOL...Took me half a second...

  5. #845
    Senior Member Swamp Fox's Avatar
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    Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it was apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself "She'll never go for me carrying on like that," so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up his beloved baked beans, and shortly after, that they got hitched.

    A few months later and, on the way home from work, his car broke down. Since they lived in the country, the man called his wife and told her he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small diner and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk, he figured he could walk off any ill effects before he got home. So he went in and couldn't control himself, and ordered three extra-large bowls of baked beans to make up for lost time. What the heck, he said: It happened to be his birthday, and he figured he'd treat himself.

    All the way home, he "putt-putted." He "putted" down one hill and "putt-putted" up the next. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe, but was crossing his fingers nonetheless.

    His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!" She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek. At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as she was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and she went to answer the phone.

    While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and rrriiiipppp! It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms awhile, hoping the smell would dissipate. Things had just about returned to normal when he felt another poot coming. He shifted his weight again and let go. This was a real blue-ribbon winner. The windows rattled, the dishes on the table shook and, a minute later, the flowers on the table were dead.

    While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten minutes, farting and fanning them each time with his napkin. At one point it was so bad he took to twirling his napkin as furiously as a helicopter blade. When he heard his wife saying goodbye, he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in.

    Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner. After assuring her he had not, she removed the blindfold and yelled, "Surprise!!"

    And that's when he saw twelve of his friends and neighbors seated around the table for his birthday party.

  6. #846
    Senior Member bluecat's Avatar
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    Actual Lines from Resumes

    I am very detail-oreinted.

    My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels, and my ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable.

    Thank you for your consideration. Hope to hear from you shorty!

    Enclosed is a ruff draft of my resume.

    I am sicking and entry-level position.

    It's best for employers that I not work with people.

    Here are my qualifications for you to overlook.

    I am a quick leaner, dependable, and motivated.

    If this resume doesn't blow your hat off, then please return it in the enclosed envelope.

    My fortune cookie said, "Your next interview will result in a job." And I like your company in particular.

    You hold in your hands the resume of a truly outstanding candidate!

    I saw your ad on the information highway, and I came to a screeching halt.

    Insufficient writing skills, thought processes have slowed down some. If I am not one of the best, I will look for another opportunity.

    Please disregard the attached resume—it is terribly out of date.

    Seek challenges that test my mind and body, since the two are usually inseparable.

    Reason for leaving last job: The owner gave new meaning to the word paranoia. I prefer to elaborate privately.

    Previous experience: Self-employed--a fiasco.

    Exposure to German for two years, but many words are inappropriate for business.

    My experience in horticulture is well-rooted.

    Experience: Watered, groomed, and fed the family dog for years.

    I am a rabid typist.

    Education: College, August 1880 - May 1984.

    I have a bachelorette degree in computers.

    Excellent memory; strong math aptitude; excellent memory; effective management skills; and very good at math.

    Graduated in the top 66% of my class.

    Accomplishments: Completed 11 years of high school.

    Strengths: Ability to meet deadlines while maintaining composer.

    Special skills: Experienced with numerous office machines and can make great lattes.

    I worked as a Corporate Lesion.

    Special Skills: Speak English.

    Served as assistant sore manager.

    Reason for leaving last job: Pushed aside so the vice president's girlfriend could steal my job.

    Married, eight children. Prefer frequent travel.

    Education: B.A. in Loberal Arts.

    Objective: To have my skills and ethics challenged on a daily basis
    I write English not so well, but this thin string for sewing or fabric-making my funny wheel getickles. Baron von Schtupp

  7. #847
    Senior Member Swamp Fox's Avatar
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    Ha! That's gold right there. Great find.

  8. #848
    Senior Member DParker's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by bluecat View Post
    Special Skills: Speak English.
    If I were interviewing candidates for a position at a drive-through fast food window that would be an automatic hire.
    Don't go ninja-in' nobody don't need ninja-in'.
    - Diemon Dave

  9. #849
    Senior Member Swamp Fox's Avatar
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    LOL...


    This man also deserves a prize:

    "I saw your ad on the information [super] highway, and I came to a screeching halt."

  10. #850
    Senior Member Swamp Fox's Avatar
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    How did the hipster doofus drown?






    He was ice skating before it was cool.

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