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  • The Old Man's Avatar
    3 Days Ago
    * I laid awake and some things went through my mind, here are some of them *When they ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in? *If 75% of all accidents happen within 5 miles of home, why not move 10 miles away? *Why doesn't "onomatopoeia" sound like what it is? *Why do 'tugboats push their barges? *Why do we sing 'Take me out to the ball game', when we are already there? *Why are they called 'stands' when they're made for sitting? *Why is there only ONE Monopolies Commission? *Why does one get in trouble for reckless driving? *Does a fish get cramps after eating? *Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
    687 replies | 17133 view(s)
  • The Old Man's Avatar
    1 Week Ago
    Two golfing friends were about to tee off, when one fellow noticed that his partner had but one golf ball. *"Don't you have at least one other ball?", he asked. *"Nope, I only need one ball." *"Are you sure? What happens if you lose that one?" *"This is a very special golf ball. You can't lose it, so I don't need another one." *"What do you mean you can't lose it! What happens if you slice your shot and the ball goes in the lake?" *"That's okay, this special golf ball senses when it's under water and it puts out a steam of bubbles. I'll be able to retrieve it. You can't lose this ball" *"Well what happens if you hit it into the long rough?" *"No problem, you see, this ball can detect the long grass and it sends up puffs of fluorescent smoke. I'll be able to see it easily. You can't lose this ball" *Exasperated, the friend asks, "Okay. Let's say our game goes late, the sun goes down, and you hit your ball deep into the trees and it gets lost among the bushes and shrubs?. What are you going to do then?" *"That's okay too. You see, this special ball can sense the darkness and it makes a beeping sound. I'll be able to get it back - no problem." *Finally satisfied that he needs only the one amazing golf ball, the friend asks, "Hey, where did you get a golf ball like that anyway?" *"I found it."
    687 replies | 17133 view(s)
  • The Old Man's Avatar
    3 Weeks Ago
    Why can't you hear a pteradactyl taking a leak? Because the "P" is silent.
    687 replies | 17133 view(s)
  • The Old Man's Avatar
    3 Weeks Ago
    A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!" *The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!" *The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him." *He said, "Hello George, what's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" *The green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime." *The group fell silent for a moment. *The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." *The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them." *The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"
    687 replies | 17133 view(s)
  • The Old Man's Avatar
    3 Weeks Ago
    The Old Man replied to a thread RIP Greg Allman in Podunk Corner
    Don't wait around till you are 70. Do things now!! Not everyone makes it to 70.
    15 replies | 225 view(s)
  • The Old Man's Avatar
    3 Weeks Ago
    A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my intelligence come from?' The father replied. 'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine.'
    687 replies | 17133 view(s)
  • The Old Man's Avatar
    4 Weeks Ago
    Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and family values.. Bill said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?' Larry replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?'
    687 replies | 17133 view(s)
  • The Old Man's Avatar
    4 Weeks Ago
    A wife asks her husband, a software engineer... "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6!" A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk. The wife asks him, "Why the hell did you buy 6 cartons of milk?" He replied, "They had eggs."
    687 replies | 17133 view(s)
  • The Old Man's Avatar
    4 Weeks Ago
    As You Slide Down the Banister of Life, Remember: *1. Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book. It's called "Ministers Do More Than Lay People." *2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary. *3. The difference between the Pope and your boss...the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring. *4. My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone. *5. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom. *6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood. *7. It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too. *8. A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house. *9. My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines and a large trash can. *10. A blonde said, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off. I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid." *11. I'm so depressed. My doctor refused to write me a prescription for Viagra. He said it would be like putting a new flagpole on a condemned building. *12. My neighbor was bit by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was and found him writing frantically on a piece of paper. I told him rabies could be treated, and he didn't have to worry about a Will. He said, "Will? What Will? I'm making a list of the people I want to bite." *13. Definition of a teenager? God's punishment for enjoying sex. *14. As you slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way.
    687 replies | 17133 view(s)
  • The Old Man's Avatar
    4 Weeks Ago
    "I NO COME WORK TODAY" !!! Hung Chow calls into work and says, Hey, boss, I no come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomach-ache and my legs hurt, I no come work. The boss says, You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her give me sex. That makes everything better and I go work. You try that. Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon........You got nice house!
    687 replies | 17133 view(s)
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