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  • The Old Man's Avatar
    3 Days Ago
    Down in Kentucky, you don't see too many people hang-gliding. Bubba decided to save up and get a hang-glider. He takes it to the highest mountain, and after struggling to the top, he gets ready to take flight. He takes off running and reaches the edge------- into the wind he goes! Meanwhile, Maw and Paw Hicks were sittin' on the porch swing talkin bout the good ol days when maw spots the biggest bird she ever seen! "Look at the size of that bird, Paw!" she exclaims. Paw raises up," Git my gun, Maw." She runs into the house, brings out his pump shotgun. He takes careful aim. BANG...BANG.....BANG.. ...BANG! The monster size bird continues to sail silently over the tree tops. "I think ya missed him, Paw," she says. "Yeah," he replies, "but at least he let go of Bubba!"
    486 replies | 9294 view(s)
  • The Old Man's Avatar
    4 Days Ago
    A man owned a small ranch in Montana. The Montana Work Force Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him. "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent. "Well," replied the farmer, "there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years.. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board. "The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $150 per week plus free room and board. "Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally." "That's the guy I want to talk to ... the half-wit," says the agent. "That would be me," replied the Rancher
    486 replies | 9294 view(s)
  • The Old Man's Avatar
    5 Days Ago
    Little Johnny and Billy were engaging in the time-honored tradition of a verbal battle like little boys all over the world. "My Father is better than your Father!" Billy declared. "No, he's not!" Johnny responded. "My brother is better than you brother!" Billy said. "He is not! He is not!" Yelled Little Johnny. "My Mother is better than your Mother!" Billy continued. A long pause ensued, then Little Johnny said, "Well, I guess ya got me there. I've heard my Father say the same thing more than once !!"
    486 replies | 9294 view(s)
  • The Old Man's Avatar
    1 Week Ago
    I farted on the bus this morning and four people turned around. I felt like I was on The Voice.
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  • The Old Man's Avatar
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  • The Old Man's Avatar
    1 Week Ago
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  • The Old Man's Avatar
    1 Week Ago
    Oh yeah, BTW, I'm retiring in 12 days and I'm cleaning out my work computer. I found this and thought it interesting. You've probably all seen it before but just in case you haven't, here goes. Take ALL of these tests and see how you make out! Here’s the first one: I've seen this with the letters out of order, but this is the first time I've seen it with numbers. Good example of a Brain Study: If you can read this OUT LOUD you have a strong mind. And better than that: Alzheimer’s is a long, long, way down the road before it ever gets anywhere near you. 7H15 M3554G3 53RV35 7O PR0V3 H0W 0UR M1ND5 C4N D0 4M4Z1NG 7H1NG5! 1MPR3551V3 7H1NG5! 1N 7H3 B3G1NN1NG 17 WA5 H4RD BU7 N0W, 0N 7H15 LIN3 Y0UR M1ND 1S R34D1NG 17 4U70M471C4LLY W17H 0U7 3V3N 7H1NK1NG 4B0U7 17, B3 PROUD! 0NLY C3R741N P30PL3 C4N R3AD 7H15. PL3453 F0RW4RD 1F U C4N R34D 7H15.   And now the second one: To my 'selected' strange-minded friends: If you can read the following paragraph, forward it on to your friends and the person that sent it to you with 'yes' in the subject line. Only great minds can read this. This is weird, but interesting! If you can raed this, you have a sgtrane mnid, too. Can you raed this? Olny 55 plepoe out of 100 can. I cdnuolt blveiee that I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd what I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in what oerdr the ltteres in a word are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is that the frsit and last ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can still raed it whotuit a pboerlm. This is bcuseaethe huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the word as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? Yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! If you can raed this forwrad it FORWARD ONLY IF YOU CAN READ IT Forward it & put 'YES' in the Subject Line   And the final test/s: Even if you are not old, you will find this interesting... Short Neurological Test 1- Find the C below.. Please do not use any cursor help. OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO ?O OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO ?O OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO ?O OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO ?O OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO ?O OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO ?O OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOCOOOOOOOOOO ?O OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO ?O OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO ?O OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO ?O OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO ?O 2- If you already found the C, now find the 6 below. 999999999999999999999999999999 ? 99999999999999999 999999999999999999999999999999 ? 99999999999999999 999999999999999999999999999999 ? 99999999999999999 699999999999999999999999999999 ? 99999999999999999 999999999999999999999999999999 ? 99999999999999999 999999999999999999999999999999 ? 99999999999999999 3 - Now find the N below.. It's a little more difficult. MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMNM ?M MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM ?M MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM ?M MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM ?M MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM ?M This is NOT a joke. If you were able to pass these 3 tests, you can cancel your annual visit to your neurologist. Your brain is great and you're far from having a close relationship with Alzheimer..
    486 replies | 9294 view(s)
  • The Old Man's Avatar
    1 Week Ago
    I'm retiring in 12 days and I'm cleaning out my work computer. I found this and thought it interesting. You've probably all seen it before but just in case you haven't, here goes. Take ALL of these tests and see how you make out! Here’s the first one: I've seen this with the letters out of order, but this is the first time I've seen it with numbers. Good example of a Brain Study: If you can read this OUT LOUD you have a strong mind. And better than that: Alzheimer’s is a long, long, way down the road before it ever gets anywhere near you. 7H15 M3554G3 53RV35 7O PR0V3 H0W 0UR M1ND5 C4N D0 4M4Z1NG 7H1NG5! 1MPR3551V3 7H1NG5! 1N 7H3 B3G1NN1NG 17 WA5 H4RD BU7 N0W, 0N 7H15 LIN3 Y0UR M1ND 1S R34D1NG 17 4U70M471C4LLY W17H 0U7 3V3N 7H1NK1NG 4B0U7 17, B3 PROUD! 0NLY C3R741N P30PL3 C4N R3AD 7H15. PL3453 F0RW4RD 1F U C4N R34D 7H15.   And now the second one: To my 'selected' strange-minded friends: If you can read the following paragraph, forward it on to your friends and the person that sent it to you with 'yes' in the subject line. Only great minds can read this. This is weird, but interesting! If you can raed this, you have a sgtrane mnid, too. Can you raed this? Olny 55 plepoe out of 100 can. I cdnuolt blveiee that I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd what I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in what oerdr the ltteres in a word are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is that the frsit and last ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can still raed it whotuit a pboerlm. This is bcuseaethe huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the word as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? Yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! If you can raed this forwrad it FORWARD ONLY IF YOU CAN READ IT Forward it & put 'YES' in the Subject Line   And the final test/s: Even if you are not old, you will find this interesting... Short Neurological Test 1- Find the C below.. Please do not use any cursor help. OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO ?O OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO ?O OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO ?O OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO ?O OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO ?O OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO ?O OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOCOOOOOOOOOO ?O OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO ?O OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO ?O OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO ?O OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO ?O 2- If you already found the C, now find the 6 below. 999999999999999999999999999999 ? 99999999999999999 999999999999999999999999999999 ? 99999999999999999 999999999999999999999999999999 ? 99999999999999999 699999999999999999999999999999 ? 99999999999999999 999999999999999999999999999999 ? 99999999999999999 999999999999999999999999999999 ? 99999999999999999 3 - Now find the N below.. It's a little more difficult. MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMNM ?M MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM ?M MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM ?M MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM ?M MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM ?M This is NOT a joke. If you were able to pass these 3 tests, you can cancel your annual visit to your neurologist. Your brain is great and you're far from having a close relationship with Alzheimer..
    486 replies | 9294 view(s)
  • The Old Man's Avatar
    1 Week Ago
    Once there was a guy whose parents named him Odd. All through school, Odd was made fun of for his odd name. Eventually, as an grown man, he found a beautiful woman to marry and raise a family with. During a summer day in their 70s, Odd told his wife as they sat in the living room that he had never liked his odd name. He told her that, when he died, she should just put his birthday and date of death on the grave, without his name. Sure enough, several years later, Odd passed away. His wife did as he had requested, and buried him, putting only his birthday and date of death on the gravestone. But it was futile. To this day, people still walk by the grave and say: “Isn’t that Odd?”
    486 replies | 9294 view(s)
  • The Old Man's Avatar
    1 Week Ago
    Oh darn---it turns out that the "Millennial Anti-Theft Device" advertised by the local car dealer was just a manual transmission.
    486 replies | 9294 view(s)
  • The Old Man's Avatar
    2 Weeks Ago
    The passenger tapped the cab driver on the shoulder to ask him something. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the sidewalk, and stopped inches from a shop window. For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mister, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!" The passenger apologized and said he didn't realize that a little tap could scare him so much. The driver replied, "You're right. I'm sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years".
    486 replies | 9294 view(s)
  • The Old Man's Avatar
    2 Weeks Ago
    Old Goat Quiz Great mental exercise for the "older" crowd. Which of the following names are you familiar with? 1. Monica Lewinsky 2. Spiro Agnew 3. Benito Mussolini 4. Adolf Hitler 5. Jorge Bergoglio 6. Alfonse Capone 7. Vladimir Putin 8. Linda Lovelace 9. Saddam Hussein 10. Tiger Woods You had trouble with #5, didn't you? You know all the liars, criminals, adulterers, murderers, thieves, sluts and cheaters, but you don't know the Pope?
    486 replies | 9294 view(s)
  • The Old Man's Avatar
    2 Weeks Ago
    I went into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church. Inside I found a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On one wall, there’s a row of decanters with fine Irish whiskey and Waterford crystal glasses. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates. Then the priest comes in. I say to him, “Father, forgive me, for it’s been a very long time since I’ve been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be.” He replies, “Get out, you’re on my side!!”
    486 replies | 9294 view(s)
  • The Old Man's Avatar
    2 Weeks Ago
    Why is it called a "building" when it is already built? Why do they call them "apartments" when they are all stuck together? If you keep trying to prove Murphy's Law, will something keep going wrong? Why does flammable and inflammable mean the same thing? How can someone "draw a blank"? Shouldn't there be a shorter word for "monosyllabic"? Why is the word "abbreviate" so long? Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets? What is another word for "thesaurus"?
    486 replies | 9294 view(s)
  • The Old Man's Avatar
    3 Weeks Ago
    A New Hampshire man stops by a cafe for breakfast. After paying the tab, he checks his pockets and leaves his tip--three pennies. As he strides toward the door, his waitress muses, only half to herself: "You know, you can tell a lot about a man by the tip he leaves." The man turns around, curiosity getting the better of him. "Oh, really? Tell me, what does my tip say?" "Well, this penny tells me you're a thrifty man." Barely able to conceal his pride, the man utters "Hmm, true enough." "And this penny, it tells me you're a bachelor." Surprised at her perception, he says, "Well, that's true, too." "And the third penny tells me that your father was one, too."
    486 replies | 9294 view(s)
  • The Old Man's Avatar
    3 Weeks Ago
    OK, OK. I probably have heard it in the last 40 years. :co:
    486 replies | 9294 view(s)
  • The Old Man's Avatar
    3 Weeks Ago
    "Back in the world." I haven't heard that for over 40 years. Brings back lots of memories. Looking back, it wasn't near as bad as it seemed then.
    486 replies | 9294 view(s)
  • The Old Man's Avatar
    3 Weeks Ago
    Ole is a farmer in Minnesota. He needs a new milk cow, and hears about one for sale over in Nordakota. (That would be North Dakota for you non-Scandahoovians out der.) He drives to Nordakota, finds the farm and looks at the cow. He reaches under to see if she gives milk. When he grabs the teat and pulls, the cow farts. Ole is surprised. He looks at the farmer selling the cow, then reaches under the cow to try again. He grabs another teat, pulls, and the cow farts again. Milk does come out however, so after some discussion, Ole buys the cow and takes her home. He gets back to Minnesota, and calls over his neighbor Jimmy Mooney, and says, “Jimmy, come look at dis ‘ere new cow I yust bought. Pull her teat, and see vat happens.” So Jimmy reaches under, pulls the teat – and the cow farts. Jimmy looks at Ole and sez, “You bought dis here cow in Nordakota, din’t yah?” Ole is surprised since he hadn’t told Jimmy about his trip. Ole replies, “Yah, dats right. But how’d yah now?” Jimmy says, “My wife’s from Nordakota.”
    486 replies | 9294 view(s)
  • The Old Man's Avatar
    3 Weeks Ago
    Useful Military Warnings: * *"Aim towards the Enemy." - Instruction printed on U.S. Rocket Launcher *"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend." - U.S. Army *"Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground." - U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop *"If the enemy is in range, so are you." - Infantry Journal *"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit." - Army's magazine of preventive maintenance *"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed." - U.S. Air Force Manual *"Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo." - Infantry Journal *"Tracers work both ways." - U.S. Army Ordnance *"Five-second fuses only last three seconds." - Infantry Journal *"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid." - Col. David Hackworth *"If your attack is going too well, you're probably walking into an ambush." - Infantry Journal *"No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection." - Joe Gay *"Any ship can be a minesweeper ... once." - Anonymous *"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do." - Unknown Army Recruit *"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you." - Your Buddies *(And lastly) *"If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up with him." - U.S. Ammo Troop
    486 replies | 9294 view(s)
  • The Old Man's Avatar
    3 Weeks Ago
    Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the sea, a captain and his crew were in danger of being boarded by a pirate ship. As the crew became frantic, the captain bellowed to his First Mate, "Bring me my red shirt!" *The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, the captain put on and led the crew to battle the pirate ship. Although some casualties occurred among the crew, the pirates were repelled. *Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vessels about to attack. The crew cowered in fear, but the captain, calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!" And once again the battle was on. This time, the Captain and his crew repelled both pirate ships, although this time more casualties occurred. *Weary from the battles, the men sat around on deck that night recounting the day's occurrences when an ensign looked to the Captain and asked, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before the battles?" *The Captain, giving the ensign a look that only a captain can give, exhorted, "If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show the wound, and thus, you men will continue to fight unafraid." The men sat in silence marveling at the courage of such a man. *As dawn came the next morning, the lookout screamed more pirate ships were approaching, 10 of them, all ready to attack. The men became silent and looked to the Captain, their leader, for his usual command. The Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, *"Bring me my brown pants!"
    486 replies | 9294 view(s)
  • The Old Man's Avatar
    4 Weeks Ago
    Bubba is from deep backwoods Georgia, and he goes to visit some relatives in Detroit (Zucker, Proft, ha, ha). One day he goes shopping, and finds most of what he needs. The store manager happens by and notices that Bubba is looking somewhat puzzled. "Can I help you find anything, sir?" "Peppuh, suh." "Black pepper? Ground, or whole corns?" "Naw suh." "We also have white pepper, and cayene." "Naw suh." "Well, we have a variety of fresh peppers. Which pepper are you needing?" "Toilet peppuh, suh."
    486 replies | 9294 view(s)
  • The Old Man's Avatar
    4 Weeks Ago
    You don't miss a thing. Do you have too much time on your hands? Would that be a related bank note?
    486 replies | 9294 view(s)
  • The Old Man's Avatar
    4 Weeks Ago
    Two guys were walking in the woods one day, and they all of a sudden came across a bear. The bear noticed them, and started growling and generally getting really mean. The bear started to chase one of the guys, who, as it turns out, was from Czechoslovakia. The bear soon caught up with him, and ate him alive. The other guy turned around and ran for his life. A little while later, the second guy found a park ranger station and told his story. The ranger took his gun, and they both went out in search of the bear, in order to destroy it. Soon, they came across two bears, one male, and one female. The ranger turned to the other guy and said: "Quick... tell me which bear ate your friend!" The ranger levelled his gun and got ready to shoot. "I'm not really sure," said the other guy, "they both look similar." "QUICK! Make up your mind!" said the ranger. "O.K.," said the other, "it was the male." The ranger promptly aimed and shot the female bear. The male ran off. Using his knife, the ranger cut open the belly of the female and found the body of the other man. "But why didn't you shoot the male when I thought it was the male who ate my friend?" the other man asked. "Well," said the ranger... "I never trust anyone who says that the Czech's in the male!"
    486 replies | 9294 view(s)
  • The Old Man's Avatar
    4 Weeks Ago
    Two guys were walking in the woods one day, and they all of a sudden came across a bear. The bear noticed them, and started growling and generally getting really mean. The bear started to chase one of the guys, who, as it turns out, was from Czechoslovakia. The bear soon caught up with him, and ate him alive. The other guy turned around and ran for his life. A little while later, the second guy found a park ranger station and told his story. The ranger took his gun, and they both went out in search of the bear, in order to destroy it. Soon, they came across two bears, one male, and one female. The ranger turned to the other guy and said: "Quick... tell me which bear ate your friend!" The ranger levelled his gun and got ready to shoot. "I'm not really sure," said the other guy, "they both look similar." "QUICK! Make up your mind!" said the ranger. "O.K.," said the other, "it was the male." The ranger promptly aimed and shot the female bear. The male ran off. Using his knife, the ranger cut open the belly of the female and found the body of the other man. "But why didn't you shoot the male when I thought it was the male who ate my friend?" the other man asked. "Well," said the ranger... "I never trust anyone who says that the Czech's in the male!"
    486 replies | 9294 view(s)
  • The Old Man's Avatar
    4 Weeks Ago
    A balding, white haired man walked into a jewelry store this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring. The man said, “No, I’d like to see something more special.” At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. “Here’s a stunning ring at only $40,000 the jeweler said. The lady’s eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, “We’ll take it.” The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated, “By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I’ll write it now; and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds; I’ll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.” On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said, “Sir… There’s no money in that account.” “I know,” said the old man… “But let me tell you about my weekend!”
    486 replies | 9294 view(s)
  • The Old Man's Avatar
    4 Weeks Ago
    :laugh::laugh::laugh: That's a good one!! :laugh::laugh::laugh:
    486 replies | 9294 view(s)
  • The Old Man's Avatar
    4 Weeks Ago
    Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one called Justin & the other called Christian. The prawns were constantly being harassed & threatened by sharks that inhabited the area. Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm fed up with being a prawn, I wish I was a shark, then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten." A large mysterious cod appeared & said, "Your wish is granted" & lo & behold, Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate. Time passed (as it invariably does) & Justin found life as a shark boring & lonely. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realize that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight. While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again & he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn. He approached the cod & begged to be changed back, & lo & behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn. With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends & bought them all a cocktail. Looking around the gathering at the reef he realized he couldn't see his old pal. "Where's Christian?" he asked. "He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy & became a shark",came the reply. Eager to put things right again & end the mutual pain & torture, he set off to Christian's abode. As he opened the coral gate memories came flooding back. He banged on the door & shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out & see me again." Christian replied,"No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy, & I'll not be tricked into being your dinner." Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed.... I've found Cod. I'm a Prawn again Christian."
    486 replies | 9294 view(s)
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