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  • The Old Man's Avatar
    1 Day Ago
    A 13 year old weasel walks into a bar and approaches the counter. The bartender immediately notices the underage weasel. “Sir, you look extremely young. I can’t serve you even a single beer.” “Oh c’mon. You can’t just slide me one?” “Can’t and will not serve to anyone under age.” “Fine. Well what other things do you have?” “Well for non-alcoholic drinks I have tap water and bottled water, I have coffee, and I have pop. Which would you like?” “Pop.” Goes the weasel.
    691 replies | 17421 view(s)
  • The Old Man's Avatar
    5 Days Ago
    * I laid awake and some things went through my mind, here are some of them *When they ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in? *If 75% of all accidents happen within 5 miles of home, why not move 10 miles away? *Why doesn't "onomatopoeia" sound like what it is? *Why do 'tugboats push their barges? *Why do we sing 'Take me out to the ball game', when we are already there? *Why are they called 'stands' when they're made for sitting? *Why is there only ONE Monopolies Commission? *Why does one get in trouble for reckless driving? *Does a fish get cramps after eating? *Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
    691 replies | 17421 view(s)
  • The Old Man's Avatar
    1 Week Ago
    Two golfing friends were about to tee off, when one fellow noticed that his partner had but one golf ball. *"Don't you have at least one other ball?", he asked. *"Nope, I only need one ball." *"Are you sure? What happens if you lose that one?" *"This is a very special golf ball. You can't lose it, so I don't need another one." *"What do you mean you can't lose it! What happens if you slice your shot and the ball goes in the lake?" *"That's okay, this special golf ball senses when it's under water and it puts out a steam of bubbles. I'll be able to retrieve it. You can't lose this ball" *"Well what happens if you hit it into the long rough?" *"No problem, you see, this ball can detect the long grass and it sends up puffs of fluorescent smoke. I'll be able to see it easily. You can't lose this ball" *Exasperated, the friend asks, "Okay. Let's say our game goes late, the sun goes down, and you hit your ball deep into the trees and it gets lost among the bushes and shrubs?. What are you going to do then?" *"That's okay too. You see, this special ball can sense the darkness and it makes a beeping sound. I'll be able to get it back - no problem." *Finally satisfied that he needs only the one amazing golf ball, the friend asks, "Hey, where did you get a golf ball like that anyway?" *"I found it."
    691 replies | 17421 view(s)
  • The Old Man's Avatar
    3 Weeks Ago
    Why can't you hear a pteradactyl taking a leak? Because the "P" is silent.
    691 replies | 17421 view(s)
  • The Old Man's Avatar
    3 Weeks Ago
    A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!" *The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!" *The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him." *He said, "Hello George, what's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" *The green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime." *The group fell silent for a moment. *The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." *The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them." *The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"
    691 replies | 17421 view(s)
  • The Old Man's Avatar
    4 Weeks Ago
    The Old Man replied to a thread RIP Greg Allman in Podunk Corner
    Don't wait around till you are 70. Do things now!! Not everyone makes it to 70.
    15 replies | 227 view(s)
  • The Old Man's Avatar
    4 Weeks Ago
    A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my intelligence come from?' The father replied. 'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine.'
    691 replies | 17421 view(s)
  • The Old Man's Avatar
    4 Weeks Ago
    Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and family values.. Bill said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?' Larry replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?'
    691 replies | 17421 view(s)
  • The Old Man's Avatar
    4 Weeks Ago
    A wife asks her husband, a software engineer... "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6!" A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk. The wife asks him, "Why the hell did you buy 6 cartons of milk?" He replied, "They had eggs."
    691 replies | 17421 view(s)
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About The Old Man

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