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  • The Old Man's Avatar
    3 Hours Ago
    As You Slide Down the Banister of Life, Remember: *1. Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book. It's called "Ministers Do More Than Lay People." *2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary. *3. The difference between the Pope and your boss...the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring. *4. My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone. *5. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom. *6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood. *7. It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too. *8. A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house. *9. My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines and a large trash can. *10. A blonde said, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off. I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid." *11. I'm so depressed. My doctor refused to write me a prescription for Viagra. He said it would be like putting a new flagpole on a condemned building. *12. My neighbor was bit by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was and found him writing frantically on a piece of paper. I told him rabies could be treated, and he didn't have to worry about a Will. He said, "Will? What Will? I'm making a list of the people I want to bite." *13. Definition of a teenager? God's punishment for enjoying sex. *14. As you slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way.
    609 replies | 12997 view(s)
  • The Old Man's Avatar
    3 Hours Ago
    "I NO COME WORK TODAY" !!! Hung Chow calls into work and says, Hey, boss, I no come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomach-ache and my legs hurt, I no come work. The boss says, You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her give me sex. That makes everything better and I go work. You try that. Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon........You got nice house!
    609 replies | 12997 view(s)
  • The Old Man's Avatar
    6 Days Ago
    A preacher was explaining that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more. There is a hush within the congregation --- no one wanted him to leave. Joe Smith, who owns several car dealerships in the city, stands up and proclaims .... 'If the Preacher stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year, and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!' The congregation sighs in relief, and applauds. Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and investor, stands and says, 'If the Preacher will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary, and also establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of all his children!' More sighs and loud applause. Sadie Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, 'If the Preacher stays.... I will give him sex!' There is total silence. The Preacher, blushing, asks her, 'Mrs. Jones, whatever possessed you to say that?' Sadie's 90-year-old husband Jake is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand, and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies, 'Well, I just asked my husband how we could help and he said, 'Screw him!' Isn't senility wonderful? Lord, keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth.
    609 replies | 12997 view(s)
  • The Old Man's Avatar
    1 Week Ago
    Bumper Stickers: * *Jesus loves you...but everyone else thinks you are an ass. *Everyone has a photographic memory ...some just don't have any film. *Your ridiculous little opinion has been noted. *I used to have a handle on life...but it broke off. *WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship. *Guys...just because you have one, doesn't mean you have to be one. *If you can read this...I can slam on my brakes and sue you. *Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them. *Try not to let your mind wander...It is too small and fragile to be out by itself. *And The Number One Bumper Sticker you'd Like To See!! *Welcome to America ...now speak English *
    609 replies | 12997 view(s)
  • The Old Man's Avatar
    1 Week Ago
    ..
    609 replies | 12997 view(s)
  • The Old Man's Avatar
    1 Week Ago
    A couple was having a discussion about family finances. Finally the husband exploded, "If it weren't for my money, the house wouldn't be here!" The wife replied, "My dear, if it weren't for your money I wouldn't be here."
    609 replies | 12997 view(s)
  • The Old Man's Avatar
    1 Week Ago
    A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect." "Really," answered the neighbor . "What kind is it?" "Twelve thirty."
    609 replies | 12997 view(s)
  • The Old Man's Avatar
    1 Week Ago
    :tu::laugh: Good one! Can I use that one where I usually steal the jokes I post here?
    609 replies | 12997 view(s)
  • The Old Man's Avatar
    1 Week Ago
    Flight fifty has a pretty rough time above the ocean. Suddenly a voice comes over the intercom: "Ladies and gentlemen, please fasten your seat belts and assume crash positions. We have lost our engines and we are trying to put this baby as gentle as possible down on the water". *"Oh stewardess! Are there any sharks in the ocean below?" asks a little old lady, terrified. *"Yes, I'm afraid there are some. But not to worry, we have a special gel in the bottle next to your chair designed especially for emergencies like this. Just rub the gel onto your arms and legs". *"And if I do this, the sharks won't eat me any more?" asks the little lady. *"Oh, they will eat you all right, only they won't enjoy it so much".
    609 replies | 12997 view(s)
  • The Old Man's Avatar
    1 Week Ago
    When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk's hand was bandaged, but before he could ask about the bandage, the clerk had some very good news for him. *"Guess what, sir?" the clerk said. "I finally sold that terrible, ugly suit we've had so long!" *"Do you mean that repulsive pink-and-blue double-breasted thing?!" the manager asked. *"That's the one!" *"That's great!" the manager cried, "I thought we'd never get rid of that monstrosity! That had to be the ugliest suit we've ever had! But tell me, why is your hand bandaged?" *"Oh," the clerk replied, "after I sold the guy that suit, his seeing-eye dog bit me."
    609 replies | 12997 view(s)
  • The Old Man's Avatar
    2 Weeks Ago
    A Woman gets naked in front of her husband and asks: "What turns you on the most, my pretty face, my voluptuous bust or my sexy butt??? *He briefly looks her up and down and replies: "Your sense of humor."
    609 replies | 12997 view(s)
  • The Old Man's Avatar
    2 Weeks Ago
    Three old men are sitting on the porch of a retirement home. The first says, "Fellas, I got real problems. I'm seventy years old. Every morning at seven o'clock I get up and I try to urinate. All day long I try to urinate. They give me all kinds of medicine but nothing helps." The second old man says, "You think you have problems. I'm eighty years old. Every morning at 8:00 I get up and try to move my bowels. I try all day long. They give me all kinds of stuff but nothing helps." Finally the third old man speaks up, "Fellas: I'm ninety years old. Every morning at 7:00 sharp I urinate. Every morning at 8:00 I move my bowels. Every morning at 9:00 sharp I wake up."
    609 replies | 12997 view(s)
  • The Old Man's Avatar
    3 Weeks Ago
    So there’s these two beavers. One is named Joe and the other, Steven. Joe and Steven have a fire. Joe decides he’s hungry so he grabs a pan and some sticks. Steven runs over and says, “Joe what are you doing?” Steven says, “I’m just grilling up some sticks.” Steven immediately smacks the pan from Joe’s paw and says, “JOE, THATS A NON STICK PAN!”
    609 replies | 12997 view(s)
  • The Old Man's Avatar
    4 Weeks Ago
    Down in Kentucky, you don't see too many people hang-gliding. Bubba decided to save up and get a hang-glider. He takes it to the highest mountain, and after struggling to the top, he gets ready to take flight. He takes off running and reaches the edge------- into the wind he goes! Meanwhile, Maw and Paw Hicks were sittin' on the porch swing talkin bout the good ol days when maw spots the biggest bird she ever seen! "Look at the size of that bird, Paw!" she exclaims. Paw raises up," Git my gun, Maw." She runs into the house, brings out his pump shotgun. He takes careful aim. BANG...BANG.....BANG.. ...BANG! The monster size bird continues to sail silently over the tree tops. "I think ya missed him, Paw," she says. "Yeah," he replies, "but at least he let go of Bubba!"
    609 replies | 12997 view(s)
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About The Old Man

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